Local Revision: Wordiness

In this blog post, I will revise one of my wordiest paragraphs in my project to make it shorter and more concise.

ceoln, "words." 2/24/2004. via flickr. Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic.

Before

The University of California, San Diego, or UCSD, is one of the most treasured institutions among the University of California institutions. It is located in one of the most sought-after vacation spots in the world, where the sun's rays beat down upon the city giving the city a constant glow of gentle warmth. The city is also extremely populated with countless young people outside the students of the University, where thousands of young people flock to the beaches seeking to swim in the cool water, letting the water and sand surround them as the world's most natural blanket. The scent of sea foam spreads throughout the city, passing through with the cool air that breezes around every street corner from the Pacific Ocean. The water is unmistakably deep and vast, with no end in sight as college students gaze upon the horizon, seeing what feels like is nothing left by the ends of the Earth. However, the fun and life of San Diego is not all that the University has to offer the students there, as knowledge and community from UCSD spreads just as equally as the breeze through the trees. The academia offered within this university is incomparable to any other in the area, where students are able to fill their brains to the brim with knowledge on any field of their choice, without any limits placed on them. The area is a safe haven for anyone that is looking to escape from the emptiness of the rest of the country, and where students have the ability to learn and enjoy themselves among one of the most exciting and relaxing cities in the United States, let alone within the state of California.

After

The University of California, San Diego, or UCSD, is one of the most treasured institutions among the University of California institutions. It is located in one of the most sought-after vacation spots in the world, where the sun's rays beat down upon the city giving the city a constant glow of gentle warmth. The city is also extremely populated with countless young people, specifically countless members of the Asian American community not only within the confines of the school, but also outside of the University as well. 

Due to the city's location being right across the Pacific Ocean from the continent of Asia, many immigrants from Asia naturally travel towards the west coast, specifically in California. The community of San Diego is a thriving, cultural epicenter where specifically the Asian community is deeply rooted, with many of those in the community very active in the fight for the rights of the Asian American community, for example those that allowed their feelings to be known following the casting of The Nightingale.

1. How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?

The rewritten section focuses more on how the setting relates to the controversy, rather than being a detailed out listing of a place in which the audience is already familiar with. It is far less redundant and takes a more informative standpoint. Therefore, this new paragraph is better because it does not waste it's time in getting to the point, and also allows for a little bit more travel of the eye as opposed to before with how it was a wall of text with information that did not help the audience in anyway understand the story in a new light.